Pandora

I think if I had been in Pandora's place, I would have opened the box too. I just don't know what's good for me. I have to know, even if by knowing, I'll be worse off. I just don't understand how people who see horrible things every day can handle it. I've only had a taste of that, from everything I've been reading over the last few months, and especially the past few days, and it's screwing me up. Just reading about these things makes me sick, how do people stand seeing them and experiencing them? I honestly don't understand it. The worst (or maybe the best, I'm not really sure) part is that no one is forcing me to know these things; I'm doing it to myself. I have this desire to know. To know things that aren't pleasant, because for other people that is their reality. And I feel some sort of weird misplaced, I don't know if duty is the right word, but it's the one that comes to mind, duty to know. Like if by knowing I'm somehow making it better, or at least validating their suffering; that at least it's not alone and unknown. Am I making any sense with this? I've had my perfect little life in small-town midwestern America, raised staunchly middle-class with aspirations toward upper-middle-class, parents who provided everything I needed or wanted, no abuse, no poverty, no hunger, just an average all-American life. I've never wanted for anything or had to face the ugly side of life. So now I'm making myself face it, maybe as a sort of penance? I don't know. Does that make me an "elitist liberal"? Maybe. But that's the way I feel. That I should know these things, even if it makes me miserable, because other people are living through it and therefore much more miserable than I can even imagine. Which brings me back to Pandora. Supposedly, it was her curiosity that prompted her to open the box, which clearly does play a role with me. I'm too curious for my own good. But the rest of it? You know the saying, "curiosity killed the cat"? Well, I think it's true, only "destroyed" might be a better word. Because all this stuff I'm learning, it's on its' way to destroying me, mostly because knowing it's happening and not being able to do anything about it is eating me up inside.

And watching my dreams pass me by

Until I end up here, food for worms, like everyone that has gone before me and everyone that will come after me.

Sorry, I'm rather morose tonight. That's what comes from too many job rejection letters and too much Hamlet.

Going Nowhere Fast

That's me--going nowhere, fast. Grrr!!! Why can't I get a job? My roommate just had like 5 phone interviews and one offer, which she accepted. That makes March the deadline for me, since that's when she leaves and I'm stuck with an apartment I can't pay for. This is so frustrating! I'm a capable, dependable, fairly intelligent, hard-working, well-educated college graduate who works well with others, so why can't I get someone to hire me? I'll do the best I can, I promise, and always show up with a cheery personality (even if I'm faking, you won't know that). I don' t make waves, I'm very agreeable, I don' t mind taking orders (within reason), and I get along with nearly everyone.

Home (but not really) for Christmas (but not actually)

I'm back in my hometown bunking with a friend for the weekend. My parents moved out of state, so it's weird to be back in my hometown with no home. I love my friend and her family, though, so I'm having a great time here. I'm meeting up with a few of my friends from high school tonight, including my recently engaged old old old friend. Exciting!

Iced In

Snow, snow, and more snow!

It's been snowing like crazy all day today, it only stopped around 6 and now we have 3 or 4 inches on the ground. Driving was lots of fun! Luckily, I have a small SUV with four-wheel-drive or I would have gotten stuck several times. The roads quickly deteriorated after only a few hours of snow, but me being me, I was determined to make to the store to pick up Generation Kill, which came out today. I had originally planned to stop by after work, but I was worried that the snow wouldn't stop in time and the roads would be impassable, so I ran out on my half-hour lunch break to get it. I didn't have too much trouble, I just kicked my car into four-wheel-drive the whole way, and that pretty much took care of everything. I only had one small problem: I got overconfident. I started to take a corner too quickly and slid all the way over across the road. Luckily the street was empty so there was no one to run into, and the slide stopped just before I hit the curb, so no damage. Just an attitude check to me.

Dust of Snow

More Hope Cemetery. Sorry, I took so many pictures that one day that I'll be posting them for weeks. Plus I never have time to go out and take new ones, so these are all I have until I get another day off.

I'm going home next weekend. Well, more accurately, I'm going to my hometown next weekend. As my parents are no longer there and my old house now sits empty, it doesn't qualify as "home" any more. I'm staying with a friend while I'm there, and planning to meet up with all my other friends who will be home as well. I think it's going to be really strange, going back to my hometown where I grew up, lived all my life until I left for college (but still came back to for breaks and after graduation), where my parents grew up and lived all their lives, where my only living grandparent still resides, and where my dad's entire family lives, as a visitor. You know the old saying, "home is where the heart is"? Well, I hate that saying. It's corny and trite and cliche. But annoyingly true. My home is now wherever I am. I have my apartment, my cats, and (for now, at least) my roommate. THAT is home. There's another saying; "You can never go home again". I always thought that was crap, but now I know: it is true.

Art Deco

This is one of my favorites. 'Nuff said.

Tracks

A sad tale's best for winter

The Unknown Soldier's grave at Hope Cemetery. Someone placed this clear plastic praying angel against it, which I thought was sad and sweet.

Winter's Walk

The sidewalk along Hope Cemetery.

Depth

I LOVE this picture! My camera is really good at reflections, apparently, because they always turn out amazingly well. What I like about this particular reflection is that you can't tell right away which view, the tree or the sidewalk, is real and which is the reflection.

I went for a walk last weekend on the first day it snowed, because the weather was perfect. And by perfect I mean cold, wet, snowy, grey, and otherwise perfect. I love the beginning of winter, when it's still new and different and the first snowfall turns the familiar ground into an alien landscape.

Fallen Leaves

Tintern Abbey

Tintern Abbey? No, not really. These abbey ruins are at Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh, Scotland.
I just thought that the ruins were wonderfully evocative and made me think of Wordsworth's poem.

Wild and Whirling Thoughts

I know I just posted a few hours ago, but I can't sleep. I have too many thoughts racing around my brain right now for calm repose. I have to get up in six hours, and I don't function too well on less than nine hours of sleep, but sleep is impossible at this moment.

Lately I've been seeing in pictures. And by pictures, I mean photographs. Everywhere I go, I see possible photos. I'm going to start carrying my SLR around with me all the time, so hopefully I can start to capture all the pictures I see.

Me, photojournalist. Can it be? It's a dream I've been carrying around tucked in my back pocket for, oh, years now. I put it aside years ago, filed away under "Impossible". Can I do it though? That's the question. Will I be good at it? Do I have enough art in my soul to succeed? Is my skin thick enough to withstand the rough parts (and it will be rough).

I know I'm repeating myself here, but I feel like I've been wandering this past year and a half since I graduated from college. Is photojournalism my destination? Do I even have one? Do I need one? Is the meaning really in the journey rather than the destination? I never really could quite buy that before, but now I think it just might be the truth. It's all about how you get there, not when. Non-traditional, non-linear just might work for me, I think. I rebel. I rebel just to rebel. I don't like being forced to do anything, and that goes for traditional life paths as much as anything. School, career, marriage, children. That is what is expected. Therefore, that is the last thing I want, at least right now.

Do I really need to lay out my life before me in black and white? Do I need a pre-planned outline of how to live? No, life doesn't work like that. I'm starting to realize that I need to just enjoy what happens and worry less about whether certain things are achieved, and whether they are time stamped by such and such date. If photojournalism works out, which I can't help but hope it does, then good. If not, I'll wander on to the next passion, and maybe that one will work out. The journey continues. As long as I enjoy it, do I really need to land anywhere?

Just let it be. Que sera, sera.

Really, though, I'm crossing my fingers for photojournalism.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

"Not all who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien

That quote really resonates with me right now, because I'm wandering. At first I thought that I was lost, but now I've realized that I'm not. I'm just wandering. Where will my wandering take me? Now that's the question.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do with my life, essentially what I want to be when I grow up (and yes, I realize that 24 is technically grown-up, but I don't feel like a grown-up). I keep oscillating between different fields, everything from publishing to photojournalism to non-profits to museum studies. I know, I know, I have a wide variety of interests. That's kind of my problem, I have a little bit of knowledge of a lot of things. I'm interested in a lot of different things, but I don't really know enough about each one to decide if it's really what I want to do.

Right now, however, I've almost-pretty-sure-but-not-quite-decided that I want to pursue photojournalism. The (almost) deciding factor is that it's something that I feel VERY strongly about. That alone is enough to nearly convince me enroll at the Brooks Institute in CA, which I'm about ready to do.

Is passion really enough, though? I definitely have the passion, the burning desire to make a difference, to take a photograph that makes someone cry, or laugh, or petition their government to make a difference. I want to win a Pulitzer (okay, so I'm a little bit ambitious) and affect people. I want people to know that I lived, that I made a difference, that I helped someone. I want to help someone. There are lots of ways to help people, I know, but I love photography and to me it seems like the best way to effect change. I think the media as an entity is vital, and lately it's been slacking in its purpose. The media is meant to inform and question, that is, inform the people and question the government. What is going on in Afghanistan and Iraq right now...the average American doesn't have a CLUE, and while a lot of that is due to the military's stringent censorship rules, part of it is also because the media just doesn't cover it. I want to go to places like that and show your average overweight, consumer-happy American just what the real cost of war is. What it does to the Iraqi and Afghani people whose lives have been, and continue to be, torn apart. Print journalism is another avenue I explored, but words (while important) just don't have the visceral, immediate impact that a picture can have. Hearing that people are being maimed by IED's or shot by insurgents or soldiers doesn't mean as much or affect viewers as much, as seeing a shattered, broken body lying in the street or a blood-splattered screaming child does. I want to move people, to affect them, to make them care as much as I do, enough to want to do something to help, to stop it!

Cozy Cat

My roommate's cat looked so sleepy and contented, I just had to take a picture!

Glass Columns

I took my camera to work with me a few days ago, and since I had a few extra minutes after setting up for the next catering event, I took some pictures.

To Be or Not to Be Part II

Here's a fantastic version of the "To be or not to be" speech from the brilliant Canadian TV show Slings and Arrows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_2tbEN8Ps

Stairway to Heaven

Another picture from my jaunt to Hope Cemetery last spring. I have a question for any of you in the blogosphere that might have been reading my blog over the past few months. I'm in the process of deciding my future, and I've been looking over my possibilities. Photography has always been one of my interests, and lately I've been considering the field of photojournalism, and particularly war photography. That is something that I feel passionately about, I want to do something important; to show the complacent consumers in this country that bad things happen to people in other places and, hopefully, to take images that will affect some of them enough to do something to help stop it. The problem, however, is that while I have the will, I'm not sure I have the way. The talent, in other words. I honestly don't know if I have the creative ability to succeed in the arts. For any of you who have been following my blog, I ask: What do you think of my pictures? Do you think I might, just might, have the talent? And if not, please be honest. I'm asking because I genuinely want to know, so that I can make a decision one way or another.

To Be or Not to Be

I just finished re-reading Hamlet for the umpteenth time, and I love it even more every time. Now I know it's cliche and completely over-quoted, but Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy is by far my favorite passage from literature. If you get past the familiarity and really think about what the words mean, it's so deep and so sad and really makes you think. Plus it's a little bit depressing, which makes me like it even more. I'm including the whole soliloquy below for your edification. Maybe, just maybe, it'll help you to love Hamlet as much as I do.

Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

Ad astra per aspera

You know how, when you're a kid, everyone tells you to "reach for the stars;" that you can be anything you want to be, do anything you want to do? Well, it makes a nice fairy tale, but it's not true. There are no happily ever afters.

Now, I am a happy connoisseur of fairy tales. I know them all; I have read them all. I love them, but they're not for real life. Snow White sleeps her eternal sleep and Red gets eaten by the wolf. I'm not trying to be a downer here, but I think all that BS you get fed as a kid only sets you up for disappointment. You are told, over and over again that you can do anything you set your mind to but then the first time you attempt something and fail to reach it, you don't know how to handle it. You're not prepared for it. Our socializing has instructed us that we should be able to achieve any goals we set, so if we fail to do that we feel like just that: failures. That there is something wrong with us because we didn't achieve what our culture tells us should have happened. Merely WANTING something badly enough is supposed to BE enough, so why isn't it for those unfortunate few? It is never enough. There's always more to the story, more prerequisites which if you're not fortunate to possess, through natural or artificial means, you're SOL, friend. To those lucky few born to privilege, connections, good looks and natural talents: enjoy them while you have them, and please, occasionally look down on us plebeians scrabbling out a life for ourselves by our fingernails, and just appreciate what you have.

One Last Reminder of Fall

I know, I know, fall is clearly over for good. It's definitely November outside; the weather has decided to coordinate with the month for once. All the beautiful multicolored leaves are long gone, so I decided to remind you what trees looked like only a few weeks ago!

I love this picture because the dark branches look like veins spreading out through the golden leaves. It's kind of creepy, but mostly just awesome.

Monochromatic

This is another picture that was NOT taken in black and white, it just looks that way.

Behind the Veil

My roommate looked so industrious and cozy, seen here through the sheer curtain in front of the french doors to my bedroom.

The Colors of Fall

The colorful fall foliage reflected in my car window was just too pretty to pass up!

Vindicated

I'm am so absolutely thrilled about Obama's win over McCain that I don't even know how to express it! This has completely restored my faith in this country, which had corroded over the last several years. To paraphrase the man himself, this election has vindicated my belief in this country also. Obama said that after his triumphal result in the Iowa caucus, which I participated in, and have to love my home state for being the sole state responsible for kicking off Obama's campaign and showing the world just what America is capable of. Before Iowa, he was just another of the multitudes of possible candidates; after Iowa, he was a frontrunner from then until Election Day. Now I'm from Iowa, and let me tell you, the people there are incredibly nice but not necessarily very progressive. When I showed up at the caucus site, I was really surprised at how many people were there to caucus for Obama. His group was BY FAR the biggest in the room, and there were people in his cause from every age range, from high schoolers participating in their first election process to people who've probably voted in dozens. Thanks to my wonderful state, Obama got the chance he deserved to win the most important election in decades.

I firmly believe that this choice made by America two days ago will usher in a new age for America, one that rejects the old policy of fear and imperialism, and instead allows for progress and the promise of a better future, rather than the glimmer of a fear-based 1984-like regression we've been heading toward. I've said more than once the past couple years how America under the Bush administration feels like a regression into the 1950s, so hopefully America under the Obama administration will be like a progression into the 1960s, and everything that decade stood for.

Halloween Afternoon in the Cemetery

I walked downtown today to do some errands, and as usual my path took me by Hope Cemetery. It was around 3:30 and the afternoon light coming through these beautiful yellow leaves was fantastic, so of course I had to stop and take some photos!

More Hope Cemetery

Hope Cemetery

There's an old cemetery up the road from my building; I used to drive by it all the time when I was at at school but I'd never really been in. It's small, but pretty. Last spring I went walking there one day, on a gorgeous afternoon, to take pictures. Most of my shots didn't turn out too well, but several of the beautiful blooming trees did. This one, I was surprised and initially annoyed to find was blurry, but on a second look I realized I actually really liked it like this. If any of you think it's slightly odd that I patronize cemeteries, well, maybe it is, but I like cemeteries--for the same reason I like churches, even though I'm not at all religious and am in fact somewhere between atheist and agnostic. I like cemeteries. They're peaceful, and often beautiful: same with churches. Plus I just love the name of this particular graveyard: Hope Cemetery. How beautiful is that?

Cemetery Flowers

The Unfolding Star

The Witching Time--More Halloween-y quotes!

"Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood
And do such bitter business as the day
Would quake to look on."

Spotted

Another photo from my family vacation in Mexico. The beach didn't have the waves like Cancun does, but it was very calm and peaceful.

Pedicures, pizza, and hot firefighters!

Today was a great day! My roommate J and I both had the day off work, so while she had a few errands to run I slept in, finally woke up to a beautiful fall day, drank my coffee and ate my bagel, then laid in bed in my wonderful light-filled room and spent some time watching funny videos on youtube. Eventually I got up and got in the shower late in the afternoon, and while I was in there rocking to some classic '80s music I decided that I wanted to do something today. Eventually that evolved into the specific urge to get a pedicure. So I suggested that to J when I got out, and she was all for it, so we went and got pedicures! Yay for pedicures! That was only the second one I've ever had, and J had never gotten one before, but we've decided to make it a monthly tradition. Then, when we got back, we both still wanted to do something and considered going to jazz night, but we both had to work early in the morning so instead we settled on ordering in pizza and finishing off the bottle of wine in the fridge while watching the new Indiana Jones movie that I just got on Netflix today. We usually get pizza from Papa John's, but J said she felt like thin crust today, so instead we ordered it from a local pizza house here, which is really good but we've never ordered out from there before. Lo and behold, when the doorbell rang I flung it open to find, instead of the pizza guy we expected, there were two good-looking firefighters standing there! Needless to say, I was confused. It turns out this is Fire Prevention Week or some such event so a couple local restaurants are doing a promotional thing with the fire department where when someone orders food, the fire department comes and checks to make sure their smoke detectors are in working order. If they are, then the pizza is free! So since our smoke and carbon monoxide detectors were working fine, we got a free pizza! Hot firefighters bearing free pizza! What more could a girl ask for? Seriously?

Seuss-like

I was once told that this particular shot was reminiscent of Dr. Seuss, which I choose to take as a compliment. In reality, I took it at a resort in Mexico's Riviera Maya. My family went there for a vacation a couple winters ago, and had a great time. I highly recommend it. It's about a half hour/45 minutes south of Cancun, and much better! The resort itself was in progress; it was still partially under construction but mostly finished, and it was really nice. I'd love to go back there. The only downside was that the area is also still under construction. There are only a few resorts there that are spaced out pretty far from each other, so there's no walking from one to another like you can in Cancun, or to the nearby beach town, Playa del Carmen. However, on the plus side, Playa del Carmen is AWESOME! It's got tons of fantastic restaurants, shops, everything on a main walking street, Las Quintas. It's about a 10 minute taxi ride from the resort we were staying at, but apparently they plan to put in a path there from the resort and provide golf carts or something, so that obstacle will be eliminated.

Halloween, Shakespeare style

Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.


Sorry, I'm just in a Halloweeny mood and I love this scene with the three witches from "Macbeth"!

St. Augustine