The Pale Cast of Thought

Right now I feel like I'm teetering at the edge of an abyss. I have to make a decision about next year; I can't keep going in this limbo where I currently linger. I graduated from college more than two years ago and I still have yet to find a "real" job. I know that most people, especially in this economy, would tell me that any job, much less one that pays most if not all of my bills, qualifies as a "real" job. My parents are not those people. As they never hesitate to remind me, they dropped a quite large amount of money on my education and as a result would like for me to actually use that education. Working in a kitchen, or even catering, does not qualify. Most of the time I don't mind my job, although sometimes I'll admit I would like to wash my hands of that place (and that's a bad pun, for those of you who might not be aware that working in a kitchen necessitates washing your hands constantly).

A few months ago I finally decided that my next step would be graduate school, and after much soul-searching I settled on journalism for my degree program. However, I've since reconsidered.

I managed to get an internship writing for a small local independent newspaper, which even pays, but after doing my first story I started to wonder if journalism was for me. I'm not sure that I have the personality for it. My first interview, which was face-t0-face with the two co-managers at Wal-Mart (I know, I know--I hate Wal-Mart too) pretty much scared the crap out of me. I've never been good with people, and talking to strangers scares me. I practically ran out of the store without bothering to talk to some customers, get some background, like I should have. My next interview went much more smoothly, mostly because it was a phone interview which is much less intimidating. Also, I can't write that quickly so phone interviews allow me to use my computer and type my notes instead of scrawling them as fast as I can and still missing half of what they say.

But even putting all of that aside, my two biggest problems are that:

1.) When interviewing, I get so nervous that my brain shuts down and completely empties of anything. Basically, I stop thinking and then can't come up with any more questions or anything I might have decided earlier to ask about. It all just flies away and I'm stuck with blankness. It's not just when I interview people, it also happens at work when I'm under pressure and have to decide something or fix a problem. My brain just freezes, and I don't know how to make that stop. I've been dealing with it for more than a year now and it still happens.

2.) I have this sort of, complex I guess you could call it, about people not liking me. I can't ask the tough questions, I don't like to make people mad. I live in the real world, I know that reporters generally piss people off and as a result most people hate them. I'm not sure if I could deal with people hating me and--worst of all--active hostility. I hate confrontations and I quail under scrutiny.

Can I get past these mindsets? I guess that's the million-dollar question. I'm sure going to try, though.

I went to talk to my former journalism professor again today, and again she tried to bolster my confidence. Talking to her makes me feel better, but honestly, she doesn't know me well enough for me to really take it seriously. Case in point: today she told me that she hadn't realized I was shy, that it surprised her to hear that. Ha! Anyone who knows me knows that I'm shy. I'm a follower, not a leader. She also told me that interviewing will get easier as I get more used to it, and that eventually I'll be able to write quickly and coherently without even looking at the pad. I appreciate her encouragement, I just wish that I could really believe it.

However, I do still strongly believe the same things that led me to decide on journalism in the first place. Honestly, that's the only reason that I haven't completely dropped the idea yet.

Are the strength of my ideals enough to carry me through?

I guess I'll find out.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

"Not all who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien

That quote really resonates with me right now, because I'm wandering. At first I thought that I was lost, but now I've realized that I'm not. I'm just wandering. Where will my wandering take me? Now that's the question.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do with my life, essentially what I want to be when I grow up (and yes, I realize that 24 is technically grown-up, but I don't feel like a grown-up). I keep oscillating between different fields, everything from publishing to photojournalism to non-profits to museum studies. I know, I know, I have a wide variety of interests. That's kind of my problem, I have a little bit of knowledge of a lot of things. I'm interested in a lot of different things, but I don't really know enough about each one to decide if it's really what I want to do.

Right now, however, I've almost-pretty-sure-but-not-quite-decided that I want to pursue photojournalism. The (almost) deciding factor is that it's something that I feel VERY strongly about. That alone is enough to nearly convince me enroll at the Brooks Institute in CA, which I'm about ready to do.

Is passion really enough, though? I definitely have the passion, the burning desire to make a difference, to take a photograph that makes someone cry, or laugh, or petition their government to make a difference. I want to win a Pulitzer (okay, so I'm a little bit ambitious) and affect people. I want people to know that I lived, that I made a difference, that I helped someone. I want to help someone. There are lots of ways to help people, I know, but I love photography and to me it seems like the best way to effect change. I think the media as an entity is vital, and lately it's been slacking in its purpose. The media is meant to inform and question, that is, inform the people and question the government. What is going on in Afghanistan and Iraq right now...the average American doesn't have a CLUE, and while a lot of that is due to the military's stringent censorship rules, part of it is also because the media just doesn't cover it. I want to go to places like that and show your average overweight, consumer-happy American just what the real cost of war is. What it does to the Iraqi and Afghani people whose lives have been, and continue to be, torn apart. Print journalism is another avenue I explored, but words (while important) just don't have the visceral, immediate impact that a picture can have. Hearing that people are being maimed by IED's or shot by insurgents or soldiers doesn't mean as much or affect viewers as much, as seeing a shattered, broken body lying in the street or a blood-splattered screaming child does. I want to move people, to affect them, to make them care as much as I do, enough to want to do something to help, to stop it!