Classic Cars

I am not at all a car person. I know nothing about them, and as long as my car gets me to where I'm going and doesn't lose pieces on the way, I'm happy.

However, I will admit that the bright shiny restored classic ones can be a LOT of fun to take pictures of. There was a classic car show at the multicultural festival I attended recently (see entries below), and I had a lot of fun photographing the cars.

The results are below.

Silver Linings and Clouds

It's been a whirlwind of a week but I've finally managed to pull all my shit together and get back on track, school-wise at least. And Thursday I came home to find a surprise waiting in the mail--my sister sent me an iPad! She bought a new iPad 2, so she sent me her older iPad. Not that I'm complaining or anything--I love it and there is no way I would EVER have been able to buy something like that on my own. So I've spent the last few days playing with my new toy, getting it all set up and downloading ebooks onto it.

It's actually really nice because it means that this summer when I go to Afghanistan, I won't have to drag a bunch of books with me--I can just bring my iPad!

However, there was one negative aspect to the gift--it meant that I had to call my sister to thank her. As usual, it didn't take long for our conversation to deteriorate into an argument. So that's the way it ended. And that is why I only talk to her on birthdays and Christmas.

We see the world through very different lenses, and with her being so much older than me (almost five years--not a lot now but a biiiiig difference when we were growing up), she feels the need to constantly instruct me in how I should be living my life and is not afraid to point it out when she feels I am making a mistake. Which is often. Because living a life different from hers is apparently a mistake. Also she keeps trying to get me to work with her, which I have no intention of ever doing.

Sigh.

Every silver lining comes with a cloud.

Slowly starting to dig myself out of my latest hole. Guess it is possible, after all...

TMY Festival 2011

Here are a smattering of the many, many, many photos I took today at the annual Tucson Meet Yourself Festival.

Enjoy!

Where I proceed to screw up my life again

All last year I kept hovering on the brink of dropping out of grad school. Then when I finally manged to (miraculously) survive the whole year (mostly intact), I thought, “This is it. Beyond the point of no return. I have to finish the program now. Smooth sailing from here on out.”

Then two months ago the new term started, and everything was going along swimmingly. All my problems were in the past, graduation was a certainty, and my thesis project idea was approved with far less reservations than it had gotten last year.

Then came this week.

Right now I’m hovering on the brink of dropping out again.

I had a paper due in class Monday that I just could not for the LIFE of me do (see earlier entries). I finally ended up staying up most of the night Sunday to work on it, then went to bed with it mostly but not completely done, set my alarm for a few hours later then proceeded to forget TO TURN IT ON and as a result slept through class. After that I was scared to face my teacher because at 27 years old I’m still a gigantic wussie, so I didn’t even email her about it. After that I had even more trouble finishing the effing thing, so I didn’t get it done and turned in via email until Wednesday afternoon. Then yesterday I got an answering email from her informing me that as per the syllabus, I had missed the late deadline (by the next class time, apparently) and as a result my paper, which is worth a whopping 20% of our grade, would not count because she couldn’t accept it. So I will be getting a big fat zero on it.

FML.

And it’s too late to withdraw from the class even if that were an option; that date already passed.

I made an appointment to talk to her on Monday before class, but I’m not hopeful.

As if that’s not bad enough, I have a presentation on the paper and my research topic for the class on Monday, which I have absolutely NO idea how to do, and I really really suck at presentations. I get super nervous, and my voice dries up and gets all shaky and my brain freezes and stops working. So that would have been a giant mess even without this conflict with my professor which will make me even more of a nervous wreck.

And yes, I believe there is a conflict. She’s my committee chair for my thesis and I keep getting the impression that she doesn’t think much of me — I was getting those vibes from her even before this whole debacle. Which is fair, to be honest. I don’t think much of me either. But it doesn’t make dealing with her any easier. I have absolutely no self-confidence of any kind, so basically any sort of interaction with anyone, especially an authority figure or someone I respect is already really difficult for me, and if I know that they don’t like me it just makes dealing with them that much more nerve-wracking for me.

The really sad thing about this whole mess is that I really was doing quite well before I shot myself in the foot. And the really really sad thing is that this whole shooting-myself-in-the-foot thing is something I’ve been doing repeatedly since college. I almost didn’t graduate my senior year because I freaked out and couldn’t get anything done and almost failed one of my classes.

The reason why I keep sabotaging myself like this? Well, my amateur psychoanalytical opinion is that I don’t know how to handle success, and it scares me. I can do failure—I’ve been failing at things my whole life. I know how to do that. But success? I have zero experience at it, and I’m afraid that it will lead to responsibilities and experiences that I don’t think I can handle. So just when everything is going well and proceeding as planned, which will lead to increased responsibility, I subconsciously sabotage myself, thus placing myself solidly in the middle of the pack (or more accurately, closer to the bottom of the middle), which I see as a safe place to be. That way nobody expects anything from me and I can be invisible among the masses.

I have issues. Clearly.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I just dug myself another enormous hole, and this time I don’t know how to climb out the way I always have in the past.

Sooo...

Sooo....I didn't end up getting that report finished by class time, so I didn't go to class. Then I left with barely enough time to make it to campus, find parking, and slide into my seat about 30 seconds before my Persian class started. Then, instead of staying around campus until my last class as usual, I drove home. Then I decided I didn't want to go to class so here I am, sitting on my futon 13 minutes into my class.

Why do I do these things? I have a tendency to dig myself into these holes that I just make deeper and deeper. Today I made one mistake, then kept adding to it until it got to the point that I'm now hiding in my apartment watching old episodes of Psych instead of sitting in class like I should be.

The only silver lining is that somehow I always manage to dig myself out again, but usually only after much angst and agony.

Why is it so much easier to hide out and dig myself deeper instead of getting my shit together and taking care of what needs done?

I seriously need to learn how to screw my courage to its' sticking point.

Busier and Busier

Grah!!!! Right now I'm writing as a desperate attempt at procrastination. School has suddenly gotten insanely busy and I have a major report due on the humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan in class at noon tomorrow that I've barely started on. I'm still trying to figure out how to research it because, in case you haven't noticed, everything about Afghanistan is insanely complicated and there's been a ton of stuff written about it in the past decade. Sorting through everything is going to take hours; then I have to actually write the report. Grah!!!!

This past week was nuts too. I spent the first three days of the week buried in the multimedia lab working on a project for Border Beat that was due Wed. evening. I was working on a video on Final Cut Express, which is what took so long. Final Cut is the devil. I can spend two hours shooting a project, then spend 20+ hours in the lab and end up with a 3-minute video. It's insane. I literally spent every minute of those three days when I wasn't in class (or sleeping for the 4 - 5 hours a night I allowed myself) in the lab editing my video.

On the plus side I'm finally starting to master Final Cut. Of course, they did just release a new version this summer that by all accounts is completely different...

I just can't win.

As if that wasn't enough stress, I had a quiz in Persian on Monday, with the oral version on Friday. I hate oral exams! They're so nerve-wracking! Fortunately it ended up being much easier than I had thought it would be, and afterwards my teacher told me that I did okay. Whew. At least that's one less thing to worry about.

Now I just have two presentations, this report, and several more upcoming projects for Border Beat to worry about. Looks like I'm going to be spending a lot more time in the labs...and saying goodbye to sleep!

Grad school is hard.