The Mousetrap

"...the play 's the thing
Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king."

Sunny Days

I think it snowed today.

Unfortunately those sunny days seem to drawing to their annual close. Of course, I realize that the sun still shines in the winter, but it just isn't the same. It's cold, and dreary, and slushy. Even those bright clear days when the sun shines are still cold, and often freezing. Besides, all the leaves are gone and the grass is buried beneath snow, so the absence of color makes the sunshine seem paler, less substantial.

Don't get me wrong--I love winter. For about a month. Then the wonder of the first snowfall starts to fade, and the beauty of a snow-covered lawn becomes smothering, and the bleakness sets in.

That is why I am a firm believer in winter vacations to tropic locales. Unfortunately there are no actual vacations in the stars for me this winter, but I will be making a short trip to Georgia to visit my parents in early January. It'll just be a brief respite from miserable Midwestern winters, and then back to the cold and the wind.

The Pale Cast of Thought

Right now I feel like I'm teetering at the edge of an abyss. I have to make a decision about next year; I can't keep going in this limbo where I currently linger. I graduated from college more than two years ago and I still have yet to find a "real" job. I know that most people, especially in this economy, would tell me that any job, much less one that pays most if not all of my bills, qualifies as a "real" job. My parents are not those people. As they never hesitate to remind me, they dropped a quite large amount of money on my education and as a result would like for me to actually use that education. Working in a kitchen, or even catering, does not qualify. Most of the time I don't mind my job, although sometimes I'll admit I would like to wash my hands of that place (and that's a bad pun, for those of you who might not be aware that working in a kitchen necessitates washing your hands constantly).

A few months ago I finally decided that my next step would be graduate school, and after much soul-searching I settled on journalism for my degree program. However, I've since reconsidered.

I managed to get an internship writing for a small local independent newspaper, which even pays, but after doing my first story I started to wonder if journalism was for me. I'm not sure that I have the personality for it. My first interview, which was face-t0-face with the two co-managers at Wal-Mart (I know, I know--I hate Wal-Mart too) pretty much scared the crap out of me. I've never been good with people, and talking to strangers scares me. I practically ran out of the store without bothering to talk to some customers, get some background, like I should have. My next interview went much more smoothly, mostly because it was a phone interview which is much less intimidating. Also, I can't write that quickly so phone interviews allow me to use my computer and type my notes instead of scrawling them as fast as I can and still missing half of what they say.

But even putting all of that aside, my two biggest problems are that:

1.) When interviewing, I get so nervous that my brain shuts down and completely empties of anything. Basically, I stop thinking and then can't come up with any more questions or anything I might have decided earlier to ask about. It all just flies away and I'm stuck with blankness. It's not just when I interview people, it also happens at work when I'm under pressure and have to decide something or fix a problem. My brain just freezes, and I don't know how to make that stop. I've been dealing with it for more than a year now and it still happens.

2.) I have this sort of, complex I guess you could call it, about people not liking me. I can't ask the tough questions, I don't like to make people mad. I live in the real world, I know that reporters generally piss people off and as a result most people hate them. I'm not sure if I could deal with people hating me and--worst of all--active hostility. I hate confrontations and I quail under scrutiny.

Can I get past these mindsets? I guess that's the million-dollar question. I'm sure going to try, though.

I went to talk to my former journalism professor again today, and again she tried to bolster my confidence. Talking to her makes me feel better, but honestly, she doesn't know me well enough for me to really take it seriously. Case in point: today she told me that she hadn't realized I was shy, that it surprised her to hear that. Ha! Anyone who knows me knows that I'm shy. I'm a follower, not a leader. She also told me that interviewing will get easier as I get more used to it, and that eventually I'll be able to write quickly and coherently without even looking at the pad. I appreciate her encouragement, I just wish that I could really believe it.

However, I do still strongly believe the same things that led me to decide on journalism in the first place. Honestly, that's the only reason that I haven't completely dropped the idea yet.

Are the strength of my ideals enough to carry me through?

I guess I'll find out.

Hope Cemetery

The irony in that phrase appeals to me--especially right now as I'm in a somewhat morbid frame of mind.

Hope + Cemetery.

The two seem like an oxymoron, so linking them together, especially in this particular case, seems a bit naive. I guess this is living proof (haha, sorry, pardon the pun) that hope really does spring eternal. Those settlers back in 1836 must have had buckets of hope and probably not a whole lot more.

I guess if your choice is between nothing and hope, most people would choose hope. If only for their own sanity. And while hope can make you crazy, losing hope definitely will make you crazy.

I would think that most people probably hope that they don't end up in Hope Cemetery anytime soon, though.

Stop

Stop what, you may ask?

I only wish I knew, I answer.

Fabulous Fall Foliage

So far this fall has been gorgeous, with really fabulous fall colors. My personal favorite is the deep yellow. I love the look of yellow trees :)

Bricks and Windows

Here's one of my favorites from my little photo odyssey yesterday.

Full disclosure--I played around a little bit with Picasa to enhance the colors and the contrasts, and I also amped up the fill light a little bit as well, I think.

As to my thoughts on photo editing debate (taking a note from Akinoluna's earlier entry on the subject here) -- well, I took a Black and White Photography class (that's film, by the way, not digital) in college, where I spent endless hours in the dark room wasting sheet after sheet of contact paper in what sometime seemed like a futile attempt at making the perfect print. Anyone who's never done that before and thinks that what is on the film just goes directly onto the paper with no editing -- in your dreams!

Like I said, I spent HOURS agonizing over the perfect exposure, making print after print with incremental differences, trying to get it as good as it could be. Now, they weren't usually huge changes, just things like:

cropping
lengthened/shortened exposure time
burning and dodging

You know, pretty basic stuff that EVERY photographer does/did (burning: exposing one small part of the frame for longer than the rest to make a really light spot darker; dodging: exposing the whole frame but blocking a small too-dark area from the light so that details can be seen). Ansel Adams was infamous for laboring over every detail of his prints in the darkroom, sometimes changing them into something almost unrecognizable from the original negative.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make here is that I think making small edits to digital photographs like the ones I did to this one aren't cheating; they're simply following in a long line of photographers fiddling with their shots to get the best possible image out of what they took originally.

Now, people who do hatchet jobs by taking bits and pieces of several different photos to make one composite image, basically fabricating the image, is something completely different. It might be art, but it's not photojournalism. And for my intents and purposes, photojournalism is what matters. So none of my images will ever be anything but what I saw and photographed, with one or two small tweaks that doesn't affect the accuracy of the image.

Oh Frabjous Day!

Today has been a fabulous day! I took a walk downtown for a joint-shopping/errand/photo trip, and was fortunate enough to get several great shots of fall foliage and the beautiful afternoon light. I also received a phone call confirming me as an intern for a local paper! A paid intern! Granted, it's merely a free paper with a staff of (now) two, but I'll still be developing, researching, and writing stories which will then be published and I'll even get paid for it, which is the most unbelievable thing. Granted, it's only $20 per story, but that's a lot better than I was expecting--which is $0. Usually interns are granted the privilege of working for free, so any paycheck makes me happy :)

Solitary Sentinel

A short time ago I made the decision to go to apply to graduate school next year. Of course, that decision has brought the requisite headaches and snafu's that are slowly driving me out of my mind. I knew that this process would be full of hassles, but I feel like I'm hitting a roadblock at every turn. Each time I feel like I've triumphed, somehow managing to overcome what felt like an insurmountable obstacle, I immediately turn around and run face-first into another one!

At first my biggest (and most basic!) problem was deciding exactly what course of study I wanted to pursue. The problem is that there are so many fields of study that I find fascinating, and also that I wasn't really sure precisely what I wanted to do with my life. I couldn't settle on a career because there were so many options and none really stood out more than the rest. Eventually, after several discussions with several former professors, I settled on journalism.

Journalism is a field that not only fascinates me, but one that has so much power and capability to do good, and it seems like that power has been misused in the past decade (i.e. the 2002-3 run-up to Iraq invasion). I've also been a bit of a news junkie for the past several years, and something that never ceases to infuriate me is the lack of coverage for serious issues while the headlines splashed all over the country usually involve Lindsay Lohan's latest stint in rehab or which celebrity is cheating with which other celebrity. How do the usually excessive and often criminal peccadilloes of celebrities trump the invasion of a country and the deaths of hundreds to thousands of innocent people, such as when Russia invaded Georgia or Israel attacked Gaza? Both times neither event was the leading headline. Things like that are what I would like to change.

The biggest challenge facing me, however, is the possibility of getting into grad school. Because right now my chances are not looking good. I spent several hours this afternoon with a friend studying for the GRE, which really means taking a practice test. Disappointingly, I didn't do as well on the Verbal section as I had hoped, but it wasn't that bad and if I study it should be fine. However, the real problem was with the Quantitative section. In other words: the bane of my existence since first grade. I hate math. My brain just isn't wired for it. When I was reading those practice questions, it was like trying to read Japanese. It made absolutely no sense. Even when my friend was trying to help me by working through the problems and explaining them as she went, I wasn't getting any of it. Some of it sounded vaguely familiar, misty remnants from long-ago classes that, like smoke, were gone as soon as I tried to grasp them.

I'm seriously worried about taking the GRE now, because I don't think I'll be able to pass the Quantitative section with a score that will allow me get into any school I like. Or any school at all. Even if I do better on the Verbal than I expect, it won't be enough to offset the abysmal Quantitative score I'm expecting, and all the programs I'm interested in require a minimum of (usually) 1000-1100 for admission.

It's really too bad, because I was just getting excited about all this research I've been doing and finding programs that I really like and daydreaming about all the possibilities. I'm still definitely going to pursue it, though, and cracking the GRE will be my first step. It's time to study, study, STUDY! At least until I actually take the test in a few weeks. Depending on my score, I'll decide then what will happen next once I have a concrete answer (how long does it take for you to get your score, anyway?) but until then I'm going to keep pressing forward with my research, reference letters, and personal statements until the very last minute.

Early Winter

I know the weather isn't the most fascinating topic to discuss, but it's only Oct. 10 and it already feels like winter. We haven't gotten any snow here, thank goodness, but it snowed yesterday in my hometown, which is not that far! This picture might not show the actual scene outside right now, but it describes rather well the way that it feels. There's a definite chill in the air, and when I left for work today it felt like winter. It even had that cold smell that heralds winter weather.

Puddles

We've been getting quite a lot of rain here lately, although apparently not as much as other areas of the country (here's looking at you, Georgia), and these enormous puddles formed on the remains of an old road near where I live. The Burg has a lot of brick roads that I'm guessing date back to the nineteenth century, and are very picturesque but not a lot of fun to drive over. This one is no longer a road. It runs at an angle for about a short half-block, almost parallel to the train tracks until it runs into them and stops. Everytime I go by, either walking or driving, I wonder how old it is, what happened to the rest of the road, and why this section is still here. Actually, this picture is rather misleading because you can't normally see the bricks. When I took the picture and looked at it in the LED screen, I lowered the camera and looked at the road, then back at the camera in confusion, because the picture I was seeing in the camera was not the same scene I was seeing in real life. Actually, all I could see was dust, and the bricks very faintly underneath. They didn't look red; they were the same color as the dust. They really pop in the picture a lot more than they do in real life for some reason. I guess that's one of the instances of where a picture can lie.

Shadow Patterns

I walked into my room one afternoon and found this great pattern on the blinds from the tree outside the window. I love all the cool things that late afternoon sun does. It always creates the best photo opportunities.

Self-Portrait?

I accidentally took a self-portrait when doing a close-up of these spoons. You can't really recognize me, but in an abstract way this photo works perfectly--especially since "abstract" really fits me right now. I'm rather vague, abstract, and a little bit lost right now, so this fits as a self-portrait. After all, self-portraits are supposed to be how you see yourself at the time, right? I also like that there are actually two slightly different images of me in it, since I've always felt that my personality was somewhat divided and contradictory. It's like there are two of me, and they often clash. I never know from moment to moment which of me is going to be dominant at that time. I wish I could just figure out which me is the real me, and stick with that one. I think that I've been trying to be someone else for so long that I don't know who I really am anymore, and that lies at the root of all my problems right now. The real concern right is that I can't settle on a path until I know who I am, but I don't have the slightest idea how to go about doing that. How do I figure out who I am? Why can't there be some guide? Why don't we come with how-to manuals? That would make life so much simpler.

Park Hours

Rainbow of Knives

Again, the fruits of my labors. Seriously, I think I take too many photos while I'm supposed to be working. But photography is just so much more fun!

Monochrome Sconce

This week's offering. Enjoy!

See more monochrome delights at Monochrome Weekly Theme.

Old Friends and New

I went back to my hometown for several days last week to visit with my amazing friends from high school. I had a blast, and especially enjoyed spending time with my friend's baby, who is absolutely adorable! That's her above, walking with another one of my friends. It was such a good time, I love my friends and see them too rarely. I wish the trip could have lasted longer than 4 days!

Quintessentially Umbria

This is an old one I just pulled out of the bowels of my computer, as I'm looking back through all the thousands of photos I took in Europe two and a half years ago. This particular image is from Orvieto--the most beautiful, unique, and charming little village in Italy.

Monochrome Staircase

See more black and white images at Monochrome Weekly Theme.

Alone

Fearful Symmetry

Or maybe just symmetry...


Another image from around town.

LoveSick

Sonnet 116
by William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I don't believe in love, but I have to admit, I do love the way Shakespeare writes about it.

Levels

Library Day

Today was a good library day.

The best part is, I hadn't even meant for today to be a library day. I had several books that were due back a few days ago, and as usual I procrastinated and kept putting off returning them, even though I finished them all quite a while ago. I know, I'm terrible. I can't for the life of me turn a book in on time. And considering that I worked in a library on and off for seven years, that's a little concerning.

Anyways, I finally decided to stop by the library on my way home from work today to drop them off. At first I debated whether I should just go by the drive-through book drop-off, but eventually decided that I might as well go in and see if there was anything interesting on the new book shelf. Well, as soon as I walk up to it and start scanning the shelves, the first book I see is Douglas Adams' The Restaurant at the End of the Universe! I've been wanting to read that book since I read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy way back in October, but the library's only copy was missing. Well, they must have decided to replace it, and just gotten the new one in. YEEESSSS!!! I loved Hitchhiker and really wanted to continue the series, but I'm one of those people that absolutely HAS to read books in order. I can't skip books in a series. So you understand my excitement at realizing that I can finish the series now! Yay!

Then, a few books later, I found Pride and Prejudice and Zombies! Another book I've been anxiously awaiting, since my old roommate J alerted me to the fact that it was soon to be published, way back last winter. It just came out a few weeks ago, and I'd been meaning to check the library for it but, as usual, hadn't gotten around to it. I mean, come on! It's Pride and Prejudice! With zombies! What could be more awesome?

Then, after that I found a few new titles by two of my favorite authors of trashy romance novels (my guilty pleasure--I can't resist them!) and stocked up on them.

Then I found a new Chuck Palahniuk novel! Yes! I'm a huge fan of Fight Club, so I can't wait to get to this one.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a major book person. The only thing I would ever get in trouble in school for when I was a kid was for reading in class. Something that I did a little too often, and maybe explains why my basic math skills are so lousy...

All in all, it was a good day at the library.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Piano
by DH Lawrence (1885 – 1930)

Softly, in the dusk, a woman is singing to me;
Taking me back down the vista of years, till I see
A child sitting under the piano, in the boom of the tingling strings
And pressing the small, poised feet of a mother who smiles as she sings.
In spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song
Betrays me back, till the heart of me weeps to belong
To the old Sunday evenings at home, with winter outside
And hymns in the cosy parlour, the tinkling piano our guide.
So now it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour
With the great black piano appassionato. The glamour
Of childish days is upon me, my manhood is cast
Down in the flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for the past.

Orange

Both the cat and the curtain!

Baskets and Bars

Gothic Light

I took my camera to work again and took a lot more pictures while I was cleaning in the ballroom. There are these great light fixtures on the walls that always remind me of Gothic chandeliers. They also cast great shadows! Very atmospheric and moody.

Serene

New Photos

I was talking to one of my coworkers, who is also interested in photography (and exceedingly jealous of my new DSLR!), during our lunch breaks yesterday about how I haven't been taking any pictures lately, even though I have this nice new camera. I was telling her how I would usually go for a walk downtown, and that's where I would take most of my shots, but since my ipod disappeared I've had no inclication to walk anywhere (I know, I know, I'm pathetic). Her suggestion was for me to try take a picture every day. It doesn't have to be great, or even that good, just. . . . a picture. Of course, seeing as how I'm slightly a perfectionist, I'm going to end up taking dozens in an attempt to get one good one. Oh well, that's the advantage of going digital :)

This isn't 100%, but I'm at least going to try taking one photo every day. I might not post it here, but I'll try, as, after all, this is what this blog is for. A medium for me to display my photos and to encourage myself to take more.

So, for better or worse, here is my first attempt at posting a daily photo. Enjoy!