The road not taken

I just read Nathaniel Fick's book, "One Bullet Away: The Making of a Marine Officer," and I have to admit, this isn't exactly my usual choice of reading material. Actually, it's about as far from what I usually read as it can get. However, my choice to read this particular book was brought about from watching the new HBO miniseries "Generation Kill".

I had originally intended to read Evan Wright's book of the same name, after I read his three-part article "The Killer Elite" in Rolling Stone. Unfortunately the library didn't have it, but it did have Fick's book, so I checked that out instead (he was the lieutenant in charge of the platoon that Wright embedded with). Now, I'm a big researcher. I look everything up. I can't watch TV without my computer on my lap so I can look up anything that strikes my fancy, or that I don't understand or know much about. I've been watching "Generation Kill" and I have been very impressed with what I've seen so far, three episodes into the seven total. The fact that it's about real events with real people piqued my curiosity and spurred my research frenzy, so I've been reading everything I can find about the events. The show strikes just the right balance, going from raunchy, politically incorrect humor straight into an adrenaline-sparking firefight and back to the humor in less time than it takes for you to recover. I'm sure everyone's heard the old adage, that the devil's in the details. Well, the details in this show are spot-on. I'm not talking technically or realistically, since I have no knowledge of that and therefore can't judge it by that, but as a TV show. The details are perfect, and therefore the show as a whole is perfect.

Now, back to my original reason for this post. Reading Fick's book was an education in and of itself. Aside from little things picked up from the odd action movie here and there, I know next to nothing about the military, so the book and the author (a Classics major at Dartmouth) are eye-opening. I'm not going to get into the details, because that would take too long, but suffice it to say it was gripping. Every now and then he would say something that really resonated with me. I'm going to include a quote that has really made me stop and think, and evaluate my life.

"Throughout my life, I'd always had some sense of what was coming
next. People build continuity into their lives --- places, friends,
goals. We go to work on Monday with plans for Friday night, enroll as
freshman intending to be seniors, and save money for retirement. We
try to control what comes next and shape it to meet our will. This was
too big for me to shape. I was absolved of responsibility for my
future. It was replaced with responsibility for twenty-two other
futures. Nothing in my history seemed to matter beyond that line on
the map. I didn't know what to expect, could not even imagine what
might come next. Strangely, I tried to conjure up images of what I
might see and how I might react, but all was blank. I hoped this was
only the effect of standing at the crease. I told myself that once we
crossed the border, I would again be able to guess at my future."

That is a way I had NEVER thought about it before, but it's completely true: our lives are paths that are set out for us long before we even reach an age that allows us to begin asking questions, and few end up where Fick was at this moment, with completely no idea where he was headed, what was in store for him after this moment. I have an inherent tendency to rebel at the thought of being forced into anything, or doing something just because it's popular, so this made me think. I'm already at this point in a way, a college graduate with absolutely no idea where I'm heading. Some things are definite; I know I'm going to get a job, work 9-5 most likely for the next 30 years, and then retire. However, many parts of that are fluid. I have NO idea what I want to do with the rest of my life, and lately I've been evaluating myself a lot, trying to decide just what it is I want to do. I've made some choices, but nothing is set in stone yet, and many more things are still undecided. I don't want to get forced into any particular path by societal expectations, and my rebellious side is pushing me to do something different, to follow a different path, especially after reading this quote. I really have been doing a lot of thinking, well actually more like agonizing, about where my life is going. I've already made the decision that instead of merely putting my English Lit. degree to work at some giant anonymous corporation I want to save the world. I want to do some good, to help people. If that sounds naive, well, it probably is. But it's what I want to do. I have this burning desire to do something meaningful, to contribute to society, to feel like I'm doing some good and making a difference because, as the Goo Goo Dolls' song says, "A life you don't live is still lost".