Path to Nowhere

There's an old brick path, mostly overgrown, that follows alongside the length of my building. Everything was in bloom and colorful at the height of spring when I took this. Lots of pretty colors!

Back to Life As Usual

I actually can't remember if I've already posted this one, but I don't think so. And even if I did, I'm putting it up now anyway.

I'm glad to be back here, somehow over the last year it's become home to me. It's nice to be free again, and away from the oppressiveness that is my family. I know, they mean well, it's just that they come across as, well, somewhat condescending and superior. Maybe because they're all successful and I'm not? At least, not yet. Right now I'm content to just wait and see what happens with my life while they're all on the fast track to career and family. I'm still exploring my options (actually trying to decide just what those options are) while both my siblings chose a path right out of school and stuck to it, doing fairly well. I know that traditionally the youngest is supposed to be the black sheep of the family, and I guess I'm playing my part well because I'm definitely not the golden child. I'm far from being a troublemaker, or even terribly unusual, I'm just not quite normal enough to fit in easily.

My family likes normal.

Wisconsin Miserable

I'm back in Wisconsin again; this time because my sister is in town. She flew in for the week to visit our brother as well as the aunt, uncle, and cousins that live nearby. I drove up yesterday, even though I was just here two months ago, because I haven't seen my sister for more than a year. Of course, now that I've been here a full day I'm remembering why I don't like spending time with my family. They more than anyone else make me revert instantaneously back into the spoiled, selfish, childish 5-year-old I once was. Somehow any growing up that I've done disappears and I turn back into the little brat I used to be. I don't like that person, and while I've (for the most part) managed to rid myself of her, she comes back as soon as I'm back with my family and I'm helpless to do anything about it. I guess I'm just not a big enough person to swallow my pride and grow up. It happened today, yet again. Darn it! I think that being 24 is really only a number. I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Cat Amid Clutter

Okay, I admit it: I'm not the neatest person in the world. I'm actually rather a slob. At least at home--everywhere else I tend to be rather neat and organized. I think I'm kind of pathologically messy at home because I'm living on my own for the first time ever, in my own apartment with no roommates and now I'm completely free for the first time to live how I want. While growing up my room was always by far the messiest in the house (except maybe for my brother's), since my mother is a total clean freak. Our entire house was always completely spotless, you-could-eat-off-the-floors clean. And my mother ruled in a heavy-fisted manner. It was her way or nothing. There was no other option. So I think that in some subconscious way being messy was my way of rebelling against her iron rule. The thing is, now that I have the freedom to live however I like, with no judgment from anyone, I should be getting over it. But somehow I'm not. When I had a roommate I felt like I had to do my part and keep the apartment neat and clean--or at least somewhat neat and clean. But now? I'm just too lazy.

Workplace Drama

On a slightly more entertaining but somewhat awkward level, I'm now officially hated by someone. And surprisingly, other than being fairly amused and a little uncomfortable with it, I really could care less. That's an improvement, trust me. A year ago the thought that someone didn't like me, much less professed to hate me, would have caused me to completely flip out. I used to be one of those people that always had to be nice, to have people love me and would go to crazy lengths to achieve that and obsess about it endlessly. Now I just kind of smile and shrug and go on with my work. Because yes, it is someone at work (of course, it would have to be since I don't know anyone else in this town other than coworkers). It's this FNG who has been catering with us recently. Sorry, that's not very polite. It's this new guy who has been catering with us recently. It's kind of a long complicated story that would require a lot of explanations b/c none of you internet readers are familiar with the situation at my work, so I'll just stick to the bare bones of the facts.

We hired this new guy, who I thought was supposed to be for catering only b/c we're always shorthanded with that (no one wants to do it; it's long hours, hard work, and very little pay) so when he was assigned to help us with it I wasn't surprised. Only I have to claim my share of the blame for the clusterfudge we've now found ourselves in. My boss kind of believes in throwing people straight into the fire when it comes to catering. Training is provided on the job, if at all. Now catering events tend to be incredibly busy and completely crazy, keeping us running the entire time--which is not exactly the best time to have to stop and explain stuff to a newbie. Also I'm not very good at training new people and explaining things. My instructions tend to either sound like abrupt orders or tentative suggestions.

The first event he helped with was even busier than usual because the guests showed up an hour early and we were NOT prepared. So New Guy (NG from now on) didn't really have much training, simply b/c we were too busy to provide it, as it's often easier to just do stuff ourselves rather than have to stop and tell someone else to do it (especially if they don't know how).

His next assigned event was helping me to cater a HUGE graduation party with like 150 guests. Two caterers for 150 people? Yeah, right. And New Guy started disappearing. I'd be running back and forth, look around, and NG would be nowhere. That started to irk me a little, as I was literally being run off my feet. As soon as I refilled drinks, the food would be gone. I'd refill the food, start to pick up plates, and the drinks would be gone again. I'd refill drinks, and they would be out of glasses. You get the picture. Meanwhile, I'd dash into the back room (sometimes referred to as the ballroom kitchen), and NG would be standing there with his hands in his pockets, doing nothing. I mean, I get that he's new, but some things are just kind of obvious. They're called eyes. Use them! And partly it was my fault because I'm not very good at telling people what to do, and then I just got irritated and didn't want to tell him to do stuff b/c I didn't think I'd be very nice about it. So another girl from the kitchen who was supposed to be getting off duty ended up coming over and helping me out instead, while NG either stood around or disappeared some more. So finally this other girl kind of lost her temper and yelled at him, telling him to get to work. She would tell him to go pick up plates, he'd go out once and load up, put them in the back room, and then disappear again. We literally had to tell him every time to go do something. This continued all night.

Then on Saturday night we had another huge wedding reception; it was just me, NG, and another girl, we'll call her Charity. Basically, again, same thing happened. I'd even had a little talk with NG prior to the event starting, telling him the basic idea of what needs to be done, and told him NOT to pull the disappearing thing again. Of course that was pointless. He pulled the same routine all over again, sticking me and Charity with most of the work except when we specifically told him to do something or he got to show off how strong and cool he was was by either carrying something heavy and showcasing his muscles or standing around with his hands in his pockets looking suave and mature. That was sarcasm in case you missed it. I had come in an hour early to make sure everything was done and I sent Charity home early since she had to be in at 7 the next morning; of course, NG had already asked if he could go home so I said fine, since pretty much everything was done, and as he left he muttered something about his feet hurting him. Poor baby. Needless to say, I was the last out of there again.

Then the next day all three of us were working regular shifts in the kitchen, and Charity and I were finishing up in the ballroom most of the day, including cleaning up some stuff that NG did wrong and therefore making more work for us. He has a problem with just going ahead and doing stuff that he doesn't know how to do, instead of asking how to do it, which means he does it wrong and we have to clean up after him. Sometimes even after I've told him how to do it right.

Anyways, at one point I was alone over in the ballroom b/c Charity had gone back over to the kitchen to help out, and suddenly she comes storming into the back room fuming over something. Eventually she tells me that NG had told E, another guy who works with us, that Charity and I are lazy bitches and he hates us. Uhhhhh.......okay. We're lazy? We actually do our work plus his work b/c he's never there, and WE'RE lazy? He probably only hates us because we make him work, which apparently he doesn't like. When he and I catered the grad party and were cleaning up afterwards, he kept asking if he could go. I'd say no, b/c we weren't done yet. Then when I finally did say he could go, as he left I heard him mutter under his breath, "Thank God". Clearly that boy needs to toughen up. He hasn't even worked a hard shift yet. Wait til he spends 14 hours running off his feet, able to sit down maybe 15 minutes out of those 14 hours, and those are just a minute here and there adding up to the 15 minutes total. THEN your feet will hurt. GRRR!!! At the time I was just amused, but now I'm starting to get annoyed! He'd better watch out--I might be a forgive-and-forget-type person, but some of my coworkers are revenge-and-retribution-type people, and he's starting to piss them off some too. They WILL make him miserable if he continues in this vein.

I'm sorry, that turned from a simple explanation to a full-on rant, which I hadn't intended. But it did make me feel better :)

Double Sided

I'm actually feeling pretty good tonight. Not that I've really been that bad, but there's just been some philosophical soul-searching going on, which obviously leads to some ups and downs. I had both yesterday and today off from work, which was definitely a nice break. I don't often get two days off in a row--in fact, it happens so rarely that when it does occur I feel like I don't know what to do with myself for two whole days!

Maybe it's because right now I'm drinking a beer and watching Colbert? He's always pretty entertaining. Or maybe it's because I actually got my laundry done today, which I've needed to do for like a month. I was starting to run out of clean clothes :) As you can probably tell, I'm not very domestic. Or maybe it's because last night I was carrying on two simultaneous conversations online with two different friends. It's always nice to feel popular. Plus one of them was one of my best and oldest friends and talking to her always makes me happy. And I have another friend's visit to look forward in less than two weeks, so that also put me in a good mood.

However, these reminders also have down side. I don't realize just how lonely I am until I talk to one of my friends, and then it kind of blindsides me. I have no life; I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up and start all over again. That's it. My diversions purely come from occasional trips to Wal-Mart and the library. Yeah, that's life in a small town for you. There are occasional things that I could do, but that I don't want to do by myself. Now that my roommate's gone, I don't really have anyone to hang with if I want to go to the park, or to a festival, or just out for a walk. And my ipod is missing, so I'm even less inclined to go for a walk or to the gym, which would kill time and get me outdoors and healthier. I think I'm alone too much. I talk to my cats.

I need to get out more.

Ruby Tuesday

This week I actually went out looking for red, and surprise! I found it under my very nose, at work! This is the lineup of various drink machines in the ballroom kitchen where we do most of our catering. The red one is one of the three spigots on the giant coffee maker we have back there. And just FYI, that coffee maker is possessed. It hates me. It keeps breaking down--as soon as we fix one problem, another one manifests itself. Coffee Satan's latest foible was to keep overflowing when we tried to make coffee, so that there would be a deluge of water coming out of it in several spots, completely soaking the floor and everything around it while we frantically scrambled to find bowls and pitchers to catch the water in, then of course stopping as soon as the water-catchers are all in place. Well, we fixed that and shortly after, instead of overflowing water, it started overflowing coffee. Then we fixed that, and so far nothing else has gone wrong with it.

Although our little coffee maker has started occasionally leaking when we use it.

[sigh]

You just can't win.



See more Ruby Tuesday entries here.

Monochrome Reflections

Another monochromatic image from several weeks ago while walking downtown. Have I mentioned that I have a thing about reflections?

See my fellow monochromatic maniacs at Monochrome Weekly Theme. Enjoy!

Rain in Amber

Okay, first it must be said: I LOVE this picture!

I've gotten in the habit of carrying my camera around with me, even to work, and as I was leaving last night I stepped out the back door of the building and saw the picnic table just outside in the alley where the many smokers take their breaks. It had started gently raining shortly before, and as soon as I saw the table I was struck by how the light was reflected in the raindrops. Without moving a step I dug my camera out of my bag, rested my arm on the dumpster next to me, and managed to take a great shot of the rain and the light on the picnic table using only ambient light. The first one was a little blurry, but luckily the second one turned out amazingly well! Yay for great cameras!

Ruby Tuesday

This is officially my first Ruby Tuesday entry...I hope you like it!


I know, it's really not terribly red, but apparently I have taken very few pictures with any red in them and I'm fairly partial to this shot. I like all the bright primary colors in it, and the way the green grass is poking out of the blanket of snow. It's winter with spring peeking through.

See other Ruby Tuesday entries from around the world here.

Light In Shadow

I know this is a little late, but here is my Monochromatic Monday post. Check out others at Monochromatic Weekly Theme.

R & R

That is something I desperately need. Luckily I have tomorrow off, so I can get at least a small amount of rest and relaxation. I got home at 3 AM last night (or I guess it would be more accurate to say this morning) from work. Another wedding reception. And then I have to be in at 3 PM today for a huge graduation party. What kind of high school graduate invites 150 people to their graduation party? Seriously? I had maybe 20 at mine. Jeez.

Feline Feature

The Feline Feature returns! Sorry for the hiatus, I've been a little busy/stressed/overwhelmed/depressed and didn't really feel like taking care of my blog, so I just didn't bother to keep up with the Feline Feature. But it's back this week!

When my friends and I were downtown recently, we walked by this sewing store on Main Street and found these cats both sleeping in the most awkward, uncomfortable-looking positions. But they were both dead to the world and barely even noticed that we were hovering outside taking pictures. There were just so adorable sleeping like that! The one actually had it's face pressed up against the glass as if it was a pillow. I don't know why, but cats always seem to find the oddest, most uncomfortable positions and sleep as if they were on a feather bed. :)

Memorial Day

I don't want to say "Happy Memorial Day" because that seems somehow incongruous. Memorial Day is not a happy occasion. So instead I will leave you with this, an excerpt from Laurence Binyon's poem For the Fallen that adorns war memorials all over the world;

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Monochromatic Again

More monochromatic street scene for you. I so rarely have live models to shoot that when J was back in town I couldn't resist taking some shots of her and our other friend K while we were downtown.

Make sure to head on over to Monochrome Weekly Theme for more black-and-white photos from around the world!

My Memorial Day

I realize that today is not actually Memorial Day; it is on Monday. But for me, today is my Memorial Day as it is the day where the meaning of the holiday actually strikes closest to home. I work in catering, we do all sorts of events but most often they are wedding receptions, especially right now as this is wedding season. Last night we had a rehearsal dinner for one particular couple, and then today is their wedding and we're doing their reception tonight as well.

If you're wondering why this is relevant, well, it's because the groom is in the army and about to be deployed to Iraq for his third tour and all of his groomsmen are soldiers as well. He proposed on Valentine's Day, they're getting married tomorrow, and he leaves soon for Iraq. They had to rush to plan a wedding in three months--it must have been an insane amount of work, but they wanted to be married before he deployed. Sweet, but also sad.

I ended up having to bartend last night (for the first time ever; there was a mix-up over whether they were having a bar) and while I was catering and then bartending, I overheard a bit. The only one I knew for certain was in the army was the groom, because my boss had explained their situation to me, but as soon as they all showed up I knew that at least all the men in the room were military. They all had that look. And then as I was walking among them, I kept overhearing snatches of conversation, words like, "platoon" and "NCO" and various other military-isms like that. The groom is leaving soon for Iraq--and I think that his groomsmen all are as well-- for the next in a series of multiple tours, and they all had a rather somber attitude. There was none of the usual boisterous laughter and joviality; they all sat around and talked quietly together. I'm not really sure how this evening will go; they ordered two kegs and a bar so there will be a large amount of alcohol imbibed, but I'm not sure if the solemn attitude will prevail or if they will forget their impending future for a short time and let go.

Anyways, my point in sharing this little anecdote with you is to mention that this is what really brings home the meaning in Memorial Day. It's seeing how war affects real people and their families, the suffering they go through and how it never really leaves them. That is why war should be ended, or even better, never begun in the first place. If that is not possible, then at least the American public should be aware of what happens in war, of all the people that are killed, maimed, wounded, their lives disrupted, their homes destroyed, the grief of their families. They should know that it is happening.

Classic, and Classy

My old roommate J was back in town yesterday and today, to visit and also to pick up some of her stuff that wouldn't fit in the U-Haul when she moved out. It had to get left behind temporarily, but now it's going home again. But it's not all gone yet! I still have custody of two chairs, a TV stand, and a few other odds and ends. Oh well. I'm using most of it, so it's not exactly in the way. It was great seeing J again; sometimes I forget how much I miss her until I talk to her again, or in this case, see her again. I'm sad she could only stay overnight--after living with someone for two years of your life, it's hard not seeing them regularly, and she's such a great friend.

I just started fiddling with the black-and-white function on my camera, which I love because black-and-white is my favorite form of photograph, and being able to switch back and forth from color to monochrome is one of the definite perks of digital cameras. I just love the way everything looks so much more dramatic and sophisticated with black-and-white, whereas it might be rather blah in color.

If you're also a fan of monochrome, I highly recommend you check out the awesome blog Monochrome Weekly Theme (formerly known as Monochrome Monday). It showcases some fantastic black-and-white photos taken around the world.

There's Irony For You

Seriously, what are the odds? And what does that say about the fire department's fire safety abilities if their own training school goes up in flames?

Really doesn't inspire a whole lot of confidence...

Fleet lost in fire college blaze: A fleet of 11 fire engines belonging to the national Fire Service College in Gloucestershire has been destroyed in a blaze.

Through the Looking Glass II

More reflections! I like how this one is all dark and skewed. Very ominous-looking!

Through the Looking Glass

I love reflections, because it's like another, different view of the same familiar, every-day world.

New Camera!

I finally bought a new camera! And its a real camera, not a point-and-shoot little dinky one like most of my previous pictures have been from. I got it about a month ago and have been playing with it ever since. It's a Canon Digital Rebel 400D, and the lens that it came with is not very good, you can tell it's cheap just by picking it up, but it should work for now, until I can afford to buy a good zoom lens. Plus, the lens from my old Canon SLR fits the new DSLR body, so I can use that one as well. Yay for good planning by me (that's one reason why I went with Canon again)!

The picture above is one of the first that I've taken with this beautiful new camera! I've been carrying it around with me pretty much everywhere since I got it, and I took this one from my car in the parking lot after work. It had just rained and was about to start getting dark, and I really liked the way this tree's bare dark branches looked against the rainy gray sky.

Floating Angel

Blurry, but pretty!

Dreams Deferred, Cont'd

Okay, I just re-read my last post and realized that it sounds really pathetic and pitiful. I'm not that pathetic, I promise! What I meant was that somehow time seems to be running out. Every day that goes by when I'm just treading water instead of going after my dreams is another dream deferred. I've also come to the conclusion that most of my dreams are pretty much unattainable. That's a really depressing realization to have, because what does it leave me with? Should I take a risk and try for one, or play it safe and keep on doing what I'm doing? Is the ache that I live with every day that I don't pursue my dreams something that I will eventually grow used to, or something that will just fade away with time? Is it worth the risk of attempting and most likely failing at something I've always dreamt about? I'm not just talking the emotional risk, although that's a heavy factor. I'm also talking about the financial aspect too. I really want to pursue photojournalism, especially with regards to war and conflict, because that is something that I feel so strongly about, but the logic in me warns that it's a very tough field, very competitive and difficult to make a living in. That's not even considering the discomfort, pain, danger, sickness, fear, everything that comes with working in war zones. I don't even like camping! Can I handle it? And then there's the fact that I don't think I'm a very good photographer. I don't know if I could even hack it. Is it worth going through all the hassle of applying to a program, getting in (hopefully), moving there, paying tuition, doing the coursework, and then possibly failing at it?

My Dreams Deferred

Another poem that accurately fits where I am in my life right now. I'm only 24, yet I feel like my life is over. I feel like my dreams will never be achieved, so there's no point wasting my time with them. Sad, no?

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Wisconin Wishing

Greetings to everyone from PackerLand! I'm in Wisconsin at the moment visiting my brother, who lives in Green Bay (only about a mile from Lambeau field for any of you Cheeseheads out there), for his birthday. I also have an aunt, uncle, and two adorable little cousins, aged 3 and 5, who live nearby as well, so I particularly like coming up here for visits. Unfortunately I'm only here for the weekend; I have to leave tomorrow so I can be at work bright and early Monday morning (7am). Uck. Can't I just stay here? I'd much rather do that. My cousins are adorable and I so rarely get to spend any time with them any more. Work is going to be crazy busy next week from what I hear, so I'd prefer to stay here and veg out as long as possible. But alas, that is not an option.

As for pictures, well, I brought my brand-new DSLR with me and planned to take all sorts of fantastic shots, but the battery died before I could do much more than snap a few of my cousins. Sorry!

My next update will be from back home in the Burg. See you then!

The Treasured Volume

I just stumbled on this poem a few minutes ago, completely by chance, and by chance it just happens to describe the way I've been feeling the past few days perfectly. This poem is pure beauty, the kind of beauty that is rarely found these days and treasured when it is found. It's no surprise that Longfellow is considered to be one of what he himself terms "the grand old masters".

Read, and enjoy.

Bask in the beauty of what good poetry can be.

Let your mind rest while your eyes move.

Just feel.

The Day is Done

by

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of Night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.

Rays of Light

The empty room in my apartment has a west-facing window that gets brilliant afternoon sunlight which pretty much illuminates the whole apartment for several hours.

New Pictures!

I finally went out and took some new shots a few weeks ago, took them in to be developed and meant to pick them up last Friday--but I got sick. I came down with something on Friday, was pretty bad that day and miserable all weekend. I basically spent three days in bed/on my futon in front of the TV subsisting on water, orange juice, and crackers while blowing my nose constantly. I hate being sick :(

Anyways, this picture was taken near my apartment building, where the railroad tracks cross over that sewer-canal-thing, whatever it is. I've taken pictures of this before, but facing the other way. This way the canal (I'm going to call it that because it sounds much more appealing than "sewer"). On this side is an old abandoned factory building, Willis Steel. I have no idea how long it's been empty, but clearly for quite a while. Great photo op.

For the most part the whole roll was wasted because very few of my shots turned out well, but this one I love! It's the only good shot from that pathetic roll of film.

Feline Feature

Wow, it seems like this past week has just flown by. I can't believe it's that time again; for the Feline Feature!

This week's choice is an old one of George, taken at my house during college. I just love the expression on his face; it's so classic George!

Gothic Window

Another Old Main photo from several years ago. I love the Gothic look the building has; the middle classroom on every floor has one of these great arched windows. The day of my photographic expedition there was fantastic light coming in and reflecting off of the desk tables.