Pandora

I think if I had been in Pandora's place, I would have opened the box too. I just don't know what's good for me. I have to know, even if by knowing, I'll be worse off. I just don't understand how people who see horrible things every day can handle it. I've only had a taste of that, from everything I've been reading over the last few months, and especially the past few days, and it's screwing me up. Just reading about these things makes me sick, how do people stand seeing them and experiencing them? I honestly don't understand it. The worst (or maybe the best, I'm not really sure) part is that no one is forcing me to know these things; I'm doing it to myself. I have this desire to know. To know things that aren't pleasant, because for other people that is their reality. And I feel some sort of weird misplaced, I don't know if duty is the right word, but it's the one that comes to mind, duty to know. Like if by knowing I'm somehow making it better, or at least validating their suffering; that at least it's not alone and unknown. Am I making any sense with this? I've had my perfect little life in small-town midwestern America, raised staunchly middle-class with aspirations toward upper-middle-class, parents who provided everything I needed or wanted, no abuse, no poverty, no hunger, just an average all-American life. I've never wanted for anything or had to face the ugly side of life. So now I'm making myself face it, maybe as a sort of penance? I don't know. Does that make me an "elitist liberal"? Maybe. But that's the way I feel. That I should know these things, even if it makes me miserable, because other people are living through it and therefore much more miserable than I can even imagine. Which brings me back to Pandora. Supposedly, it was her curiosity that prompted her to open the box, which clearly does play a role with me. I'm too curious for my own good. But the rest of it? You know the saying, "curiosity killed the cat"? Well, I think it's true, only "destroyed" might be a better word. Because all this stuff I'm learning, it's on its' way to destroying me, mostly because knowing it's happening and not being able to do anything about it is eating me up inside.

And watching my dreams pass me by

Until I end up here, food for worms, like everyone that has gone before me and everyone that will come after me.

Sorry, I'm rather morose tonight. That's what comes from too many job rejection letters and too much Hamlet.

Going Nowhere Fast

That's me--going nowhere, fast. Grrr!!! Why can't I get a job? My roommate just had like 5 phone interviews and one offer, which she accepted. That makes March the deadline for me, since that's when she leaves and I'm stuck with an apartment I can't pay for. This is so frustrating! I'm a capable, dependable, fairly intelligent, hard-working, well-educated college graduate who works well with others, so why can't I get someone to hire me? I'll do the best I can, I promise, and always show up with a cheery personality (even if I'm faking, you won't know that). I don' t make waves, I'm very agreeable, I don' t mind taking orders (within reason), and I get along with nearly everyone.

Home (but not really) for Christmas (but not actually)

I'm back in my hometown bunking with a friend for the weekend. My parents moved out of state, so it's weird to be back in my hometown with no home. I love my friend and her family, though, so I'm having a great time here. I'm meeting up with a few of my friends from high school tonight, including my recently engaged old old old friend. Exciting!

Iced In

Snow, snow, and more snow!

It's been snowing like crazy all day today, it only stopped around 6 and now we have 3 or 4 inches on the ground. Driving was lots of fun! Luckily, I have a small SUV with four-wheel-drive or I would have gotten stuck several times. The roads quickly deteriorated after only a few hours of snow, but me being me, I was determined to make to the store to pick up Generation Kill, which came out today. I had originally planned to stop by after work, but I was worried that the snow wouldn't stop in time and the roads would be impassable, so I ran out on my half-hour lunch break to get it. I didn't have too much trouble, I just kicked my car into four-wheel-drive the whole way, and that pretty much took care of everything. I only had one small problem: I got overconfident. I started to take a corner too quickly and slid all the way over across the road. Luckily the street was empty so there was no one to run into, and the slide stopped just before I hit the curb, so no damage. Just an attitude check to me.

Dust of Snow

More Hope Cemetery. Sorry, I took so many pictures that one day that I'll be posting them for weeks. Plus I never have time to go out and take new ones, so these are all I have until I get another day off.

I'm going home next weekend. Well, more accurately, I'm going to my hometown next weekend. As my parents are no longer there and my old house now sits empty, it doesn't qualify as "home" any more. I'm staying with a friend while I'm there, and planning to meet up with all my other friends who will be home as well. I think it's going to be really strange, going back to my hometown where I grew up, lived all my life until I left for college (but still came back to for breaks and after graduation), where my parents grew up and lived all their lives, where my only living grandparent still resides, and where my dad's entire family lives, as a visitor. You know the old saying, "home is where the heart is"? Well, I hate that saying. It's corny and trite and cliche. But annoyingly true. My home is now wherever I am. I have my apartment, my cats, and (for now, at least) my roommate. THAT is home. There's another saying; "You can never go home again". I always thought that was crap, but now I know: it is true.

Art Deco

This is one of my favorites. 'Nuff said.

Tracks

A sad tale's best for winter

The Unknown Soldier's grave at Hope Cemetery. Someone placed this clear plastic praying angel against it, which I thought was sad and sweet.

Winter's Walk

The sidewalk along Hope Cemetery.

Depth

I LOVE this picture! My camera is really good at reflections, apparently, because they always turn out amazingly well. What I like about this particular reflection is that you can't tell right away which view, the tree or the sidewalk, is real and which is the reflection.

I went for a walk last weekend on the first day it snowed, because the weather was perfect. And by perfect I mean cold, wet, snowy, grey, and otherwise perfect. I love the beginning of winter, when it's still new and different and the first snowfall turns the familiar ground into an alien landscape.

Fallen Leaves

Tintern Abbey

Tintern Abbey? No, not really. These abbey ruins are at Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh, Scotland.
I just thought that the ruins were wonderfully evocative and made me think of Wordsworth's poem.